


Gratis

by canadino



Category: Gintama
Genre: Crossdressing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-01 21:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5221766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadino/pseuds/canadino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No working adult gives out freebies, except in really, really, really special circumstances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gratis

“You will address me as Paako,” Gintoki said, henceforth known as the mankiller Paako who ate well-paying men for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and every snack in between. Sakamoto blinked, although it was missed behind his sunglasses. “I’ve decided this was the best way to go about this. Whenever you touch down on Earth, I inevitably end up having to spend a prolonged amount of time with you of my own choice or not, and it’s a thankless job. But if I’m like this, you’re forced to pay for every single second of my time. I know your wallet’s fatter than my ass with this padding, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.”   


“Yeah, it would be weird to pay you to hang out with me, huh?” Sakamoto said, not really sure what he ought to be focusing on. Paako’s eyeshadow was very heavy-handed, but her foundation and powder were blended seamlessly to achieve a very clear skinned look. Her lips popped out in a dark red pout, the kind of red that drew blood. Her kimono was a pink with strawberry print, its folds covering a very ample chest. Sakamoto’s hand reached out despite himself for a grope; it was soft, without the reaction of a girl with feeling in that area. “I mean, it’s not really friendship if you’re paying someone to do it.”   


“Exactly. Let’s not kid ourselves here. By the way, I charge five-thousand yen every fifteen minutes and the clock began the moment you stepped foot on the stairs to this place.”  


“Five-thousand every fifteen minutes?” Sakamoto laughed. His hand was still on Paako’s left boob. “You’re expensive!”  


“Oh, but I’m very worth it.”   


Paako walked slower with geta than with black boots, though Sakamoto wasn’t sure if it was because Gintoki just wasn’t very good at walking in geta or it was part of the performance. “So what’s covered in the five-thousand every fifteen?” Sakamoto asked, because he would play along and Mutsu was always accusing him of not reading their contracts diligently enough (and he did, really, only he pretended he didn’t see parts to keep Mutsu’s instincts sharp; she would outlive him no doubt, because he was a loud, pompous asshole who would probably be killed in his sleep one day and she would have to take the entire business upon her shoulders). 

“Just basic toleration of your presence,” Paako said. “Anything extra, and that’s going to cost you.”  


“What’s basic toleration cover?” Sakamoto asked, flinging an arm around Paako’s broad shoulders. He let his hand slip under the folds of the kimono and found himself with a palmful of jelly breast.   


“That’s going to be six hundred extra per squeeze.”  


“They’re not even real!”  


“People don’t go around squeezing other people’s breasts or pecs. At least, not for free. This is Kabukicho, pal.”   


“Alright, alright,” Sakamoto said, extracting his hand, but not before carefully adjusting the jelly boob back into place.   


They arrived at the first bar in Kabukicho. “A Dom, please,” Paako ordered. Sakamoto thought better than to argue; in any case, it was good manners to acquiesce to a lady you were taking out. The champagne arrived, on ice, with two delicate flutes. 

“It’ll be a thousand if I pour it for you,” Paako offered.  


“Alright,” Sakamoto said, grinning. Paako or not, Gintoki would rather bite his tongue off and drag himself through the gutters than to do a favor for Sakamoto. Even with the makeup and fake hair, it was Gintoki’s dead fish eyes staring at him. He’d pay some good money for a good show. Paako poured the Dom with the arm of a barmaid, so the liquid gold sloshed against the sides of the glass and fizzed up near the top. The glass was wet with streaks of champagne dripping down the sides when she handed one to him.   


“Cheers, I guess,” Sakamoto said. Paako sidled across the gap between them in the booth and settled up right next and cosy against Sakamoto’s side. “How much’s this gonna cost me?”  


“Two-thousand every ten minutes,” Paako hummed, her nose tracing Sakamoto’s jawline. Her hand was firmly on his shoulder and her torso was angled right up against Sakamoto’s chest. “And I’m keeping track. Poor girls like me have a built in calculator in their heads so they don’t get cheated.”  


“Okay,” Sakamoto laughed. He let his free hand snake around behind the obi and settle up against Paako’s hip. The gesture made her slide up against him more. He wondered how much that would cost him. He almost wished he could ask one of the waiters walking around taking kitchen orders if they could take a photograph of him at present. He’d taken out girls and ordered blocks of time before, but they usually eased away after he’d shelled out his bills. Paako was pressed against him without even needing to be told. “You’d never do this in real life!”  


Paako fluttered her eyelashes. “Real life? What do you mean, mister? Paako’s always nice to rich, old men.”

“Now I’m old too?”   


“I’m sure I can find a gray hair or two in this shag of a head you’ve got.” She ran her fingers through his hair, pressing against his scalp in an easy massage. Sakamoto hummed in appreciation.   


“What about you, sweetheart?” Sakamoto mumbled, taking care not to get a mouthful of fake hair. Paako was sitting up really close. “You’ve got a head full of silver hair. Doesn’t that mean you’re an old maid?”  


“A lady never tells her age,” Paako said, drawing one finger up to her lips.   


When Paako finally shifted away so Sakamoto could pay the bill and have them on their way to the next bar, his side felt cold. He rubbed his elbow against his side to stimulate the lost warmth as he signed the receipt, and it did not go unnoticed because as they walked to the door, Paako came up next to him and looped her arm around his. 

“Hey,” said a man who passed them outside the bar. His companions stopped as he did. “You’re pretty tall and built for a chick, but you’re still too hot to be wasting your time with a loser who doesn’t know when the sun’s set.” He leered. “Forget about him and come play with us.”   


Paako’s voice momentarily lost its drawling falsetto. “Fuck off, buddy.”

The man raised his eyebrows and glanced behind him at his friends. “One of those okama bar chicks,” one of the friends offered. The man considered this and shrugged. 

“Hey!” Sakamoto said. “Are you famous or something? You look so familiar!”  


The man gave him a passing glance before turning his attention back to Paako. “Some could say I’m famous for having the biggest cock in Kabukicho. Don’t let my feet fool you; I tread lightly but my technique’s heavy.” He gestured back at his friends. “And like travels with like. We’ll show you a good time.”

“I don’t think so,” said Paako.  


“No, you are famous!” Sakamoto said, his voice drawing attention by sheer volume alone. He helped this by also pointing very obviously at the man. “I’ve seen you on wanted fliers! You’re working with that one group who takes videos when they have sex and use them to blackmail people! Damn! I knew my memory wasn’t that bad.”   


“That’s...” The man took a step back. His friends had already turned and were walking away rather quickly. “You were probably a bad lay anyway,” he said to Paako, before turning on his heel as well and booking it.  


“Too bad,” Paako called, bringing up a hand to her mouth. “My ass makes everyone a quick finisher!”  


“So do I get a discount for that?” Sakamoto tried. “For saving you from those evil men?”  


Paako looked at him. Her lipstick was smudged from the champagne glass. “I guess you deserve a complementary grope for that. Limit it to three seconds.” 

After the third bar, they’d wandered into the seediest part of Kabukicho and Paako was helping a stumbling but still chortling Sakamoto avoid dragging his face against the wall he was bumping into. “You want to take a rest, mister?” Paako purred, her arm firmly against the center of Sakamoto’s back. Sakamoto himself had his arm around Paako too, his hand gripping her right below a jelly boob. “I know of a great place to go here.”

“Yeah?” Sakamoto sounded just as giddy tipsy as he did sober. He hiccuped and slid his hand down to Paako’s ass. For all she said, she was not padded there at all, the shape of the kimono hiding any curve or lack thereof which made it pointless to begin with. “And how much for special service?”  


“Oh,” said Paako, and her voice descended octaves so slowly like the way Sakamoto’s brain was processing that he was no longer speaking to sweet, dirty Paako but to sweeter, dirtier Gintoki. “You don’t need to pay me for that.”   


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this shameless flirtation fic.


End file.
